Searching Within

Jasmine B. Suiza / July 5, 2019

I quit my job. I was anxious and worried about what my future would be. With all the things that's happening to me, I planned to go soul searching. Being the traveler that I am - I wanted to plan vacations on my own. I want to go to Banaue, Sagada, Cagayan Valley, Hong Kong or Vietnam. These are the destinations in my mind. Days of planning and preparing for these trips did not do any good. I didn't feel satisfied.

One day, my mom's friend suggested that I should go on a retreat. I was hesitant at first. A retreat in Antipolo? It's too near. I wanted to go somewhere far. Maybe I'll think about it.

Until one conversation with a Muslim friend hit me. "We must serve the Father.", he said. Honestly, I felt guilty. Sinners as we all are, but my friend is doing his duty as a good believer. And here I am, reluctant to spend time with our God. That's when I decided to accept my mom's offer.

I went to talk to Fr. Nnamdi, a Nigerian priest from the Oblates of the Virgin Mary. I told him everything that's happening to my life and how it affected me as a whole. He asked me when would I want to start and how many days do I want it to be. I never thought about it but I just answered that I want to start tomorrow and that I will stay for 3 days. I prepared myself since I can't use my cellphone for internet and communication purposes.

In the morning of my first day, I received the Sacrament of Reconciliation from Fr. Nnamdi. I felt so relieved and refreshed after, knowing that God has forgiven me from all of my sins. He explained how the retreat would go and realized that it was actually a silent retreat. Meaning, I can't talk to anyone and that I need to reflect on my own. I was the fourth retreatant, together with three nuns. They only accept four, and I felt that God wanted me to be here. To be honest, I kind of felt weird because I was the only lay person in the building. There were also other priests and brothers. He then gave me bible verses and reflection questions to ponder on. I examined my heart and soul and looked upon my past, present and future. I poured out every emotion, every question and every fear that I have. I decided to also handwrite letters for the significant people in my life. I coined it Love (people I want to thank), Peace (people I want to forgive) and Hope (people I want to inspire) letters. It was never easy, but I never felt this good for a long time. It was also the first time in my life that I prayed for 4 hours! I wanted to sleep early but my body's not used to it. I stayed awake until 12:00 AM but I was able to finish a poem entitled "I am a Child of God". I asked God to wake me up at 5:30 AM because there's a mass at 6:15 AM tomorrow.

On my second day, God woke me up at 5:29 AM, even before my alarm rang. What a great feeling it is to start your day with hearing Holy Mass, rather than checking your phone for messages and notifications. After the mass, I prayed the rosary and continued to reflect and talk to God. I asked him to give me the heart to forgive as I started to handwrite my Peace Letters to people who have hurt me. In the afternoon, I discussed with Fr. Nnamdi my reflections for Day 1. I also received my bible verses and reflection questions for Day 2. After dinner, I planned to sleep early but I still can't, that's why I used my notes to pen things on my mind. Before I sleep at 12:00 AM, I was again able to finish a letter that I called "God's Journal". I never thought it would be easy to write if I am free from noise and distraction!

It was the First Friday of July, and I began my third and last day of silent retreat with the Holy Mass. There were no mass readers because the brothers were out, so 1 of the nuns asked if I can be the lector. Without hesitation, I said yes. After the mass, I prayed the rosary, walked around, prayed at the chapel and sang praise songs. Singing is one way of my adoration to the Lord, and I felt so good knowing that He hears the messages from my heart. As I walked along the building, I remembered I saw a book on Mother Teresa of Calcutta. I found it and I flipped through the pages. There I saw a saint - with her humility, commitment to service and her unconditional love to the poor. This moved me so much that I wanted to volunteer (in India or in the Philippines) for Missionaries of Charity. Surely, it would be a hard, but fulfilling service to the people who can't give back to you. During lunch, I got the chance to talk to one of the nun-retreatants named Sister Charity. We were not allowed to, but since the other two nuns were out, we took this chance. We discussed about their service, mission, and their purpose as nuns. I also asked her some of my questions about the Church and Catholicism. She told me to pray for them since they will be on silent retreat for 31 days. Wow, I was so amazed by their commitment to the Lord.

After lunch, I continued writing my Love, Peace and Hope letters. It's important to honor your loved ones even if it's not their birthdays and let them know that they are appreciated. When it was time to meet Fr. Nnamdi, I told him how grateful I was to have attended this retreat. I learned how to contemplate and pray from the heart. Before we part ways, I gave him a copy of my poem "I am a Child of God" while he gave me a book "Rediscover Catholicism". As I left the halls of the building, I thanked God that He made a way for me to have experienced this life-changing three days.

Imagine, I did not use my phone for 55 hours! That alone is an achievement for me as I am a person that's online 24/7. Haha!

One does not need to be out of town to be able to reflect and find inner peace. Sometimes, it just takes meaningful conversations with God. Always be reminded of Mama Mary's Fiat: "Let Your will be done in my life." Disconnect to the world to search within and reconnect to the One who loves you the most.